My Predictions for the Next 4 Years

There is but one way to describe my election predictions...."fake but accurate".

I got the end result correct. But NH and Hawaii didn't pan out. But I did get Ohio right (I am so smart, I am so smart! Smrt. I mean, Smart...)

So, now I have some predictions for the next 4 years:

1) Somebody we don't like dies. May be Arafat. May be Artistide. May be Yanni. Who knows? But when they kick off...2 point bump in the polls for Chimpler.

2) Iran....muahahahaa. Sorry kids. We got a bottle of whiskey and the car keys for the next 4 years. I see the future. You may be part of it, but it will most likely involve working the counter at an Adult Movie store.

3) France. Hahahaha....I said France. Hehe.

4) Russia...listen, boobulah. We like you now. Don't mess this up. Get to gittin. Crap-Weasles=Bad. Uncle Sam= Good. The first country to figure this out was the UK, and look how well that's worked out for them...they've even taken on English as their first language.

5) I think Germans will stop emphasizing their role in the world as a dimplomatic nation and get back to what they are good at...Oktoberfest and wacky porn.

6) Guam. Think about what you've contributed to the world in the last 50 years...now add 4 years. Yep, that's about it.

7) Gay Marrige. We'll still be talking about both 4 years from now.

8) 11,680. The number of Martinis that Ted Kennedy will drink before he becomes relevant again.

9) Social Security. Old people will still be getting it in 2005.

10) The deficit. Like the Grand Canyon and Rosie O' Donnell, it will continue to grow in size and gravitational force.

11) Baseball. The new Washington DC team will be overun by special interest groups and will include such fan appreciation days as: "The 3rd Called Strike in the 2nd Inning was George Bush's Fault" Night and the "Why Fly Balls Shouldn't Be Caught Because It is too 'Unilateral' Double Header Days". Rumor has it that George Soros will pay up to and over $65 million to ensure that 527 groups try to target the Philidelphia Fanatic and produce video evidence of what the MSM will only refer to as "A Cocaine Habit of Supernatural Proportions".

12) Hollywood celebraties who move out of the US will come back when they realize that citizens in no other country in the world are willing to pay $8 to watch them.

13) Jim Treacher will find ways to offend people in other languages just to magnify the effect.

14) Seeing the effect that Blogs had on the '04 Election, Osama Bin Laden will give up plotting Jihad on America to start his own site "OsamaBinBloggin.net" Three days later, he will declare Jihad again...on comment spam.

Gilly's World Declares Victory

I think I am the big winner here. The guy that I was rootin for wins (it's over, get used to it). My Red Sox won the World Series. Auburn is still undefeated.
Tom Daschle lost. And I managed to out drink Susan Estrich last night (and trust me, that was no small feat).

So now that the world is back on it's normal orbit, John Kerry can go back to missing Senate meetings. And I hear that John Edwards is on his way to Ohio....probably to sell hair care products door to door.

Note to the world: We've been watching you for the last few years. And we've made a list. Now that we have 4 more years of Bush and he doesn't have to worry about Reelection, well.....you know the rest.

The Election

12:20 If it ain't over yet, I'll heckle it in the morning...

12:05 Ron Silver has lost his mind. "You can be a certain ethnicity...and tell people you voted for somebody else."

12:03 Oregon goes to a Democrat. Shocker.

11:51 Specter fights back and wins his seat. No comment.

11:43 Susan Estrich is not only drunk, but she is drunk bloviating. I mean, that doesn't mean that she is wrong. But even a tanked-off-her-ass clock is right twice a day.

11:40 Susan Estrich is back on tv. I think she is somewhere between drunk to hangover stage, but I am not sure. If she burps up tommato juice, then I think we'll have the entire thing figured out.

11:31 Ron Silver: Looking for his career in the bushes.

11:20 Arizona goes to Bush. About Fricken Time...Seriously, you guys are breaking my balls here. Arizona goes to Bush? What? Do you want a fricken medal?

11:17 This race is killing me. Someone please call something. I don't care what it is. Hell, call Bill Frist a tranny. I don't care.

11:06 Washinton State goes for Kerry. Did you know that there is an area called Walla Walla? There is. And they sell Watermellons.

10:59 Everyone is too damn chicken to call anything. Brawk. Bruck. Bruck. Brawk!

10:52 With the exception of Brian Williams being Crap-tacular, MSNBC has been the best in the election coverage so far.

10:38 As of 10:38, Thune is leading Daschel in SD

10:25 Drudge Calls Utah for Bush....197.

10:21 Benson (R-NH) makes a comeback in his Governer's Race.

10:17 Christ, Barak Obama's wife just introduced him as "my baby's daddy".

10:14 Missouri goes to Bush. Bush is at 193.

10:12 Still no suprises...though the thought of Arlen Spector getting waxed would be nice if not for the fact that a Democrat was taking the seat.

9:59 Hey New Hampshire...snap out of it and make up your mind already!

9:48 Tradesports.com has Kerry surging 11 points today. Take it as you will, but, like the youth vote, I gotta throw the BullShit flag.

9:45 Talking about bloggers and the youth vote. Let me tell you what...there hasn't been a state where the youth vote has tilited the vote away from who was supposed to win.

9:39 Mathews jokes that Republicans being Red States wasn't taken from the Soviets during the Cold War....I'll give him the benefit of the doubt that he's just been up too many hours.

9:26 Louisiana and Mississippi to Bush. Bush 171. Kerry 112.

9:19 Mort Kondrakie tried to diss the blogosphere and looks like a dork...updates at 11. And I was lame enough to use the term "diss".

9:00 Bush gets Texas and Kansas. Kerry gets New York. The sun will rise tomorrow and Russian people like vodka. Wake me when there is a shocker.

8:51 Susan Estrich is on Fox News and looks very drunk. If she is topless by 10 pm, then I predict a Kerry Victory.

8:45 Bush is over 100. Just over 1/3 of the way to the 299 that I predicted.

8:42 Bush wins Virginia...that one was big. If Kerry takes Virginia, Bush would need to change his shorts.

8:20 NC to Bush. Bout Damn Time. Bush-81. Kerry-77.

8:15 SC to Bush. Jesus, they made us sweat for that one.

8:08 All of the top blogs down. Yet my blog is coming up fine. Shows you where stand on the food chain.

8:03 I need NH to go for Bush if I am going to win the Fantasy Election League. Come on baby, do it for Daddy.

8:02 No big suprises yet. Yet.

8:00 Illinois, Mass, Maryland, Connecticut, Maine, and Jersey to Kerry with 0 votes counted. Rednecks and the Soooners carry Bush. I think they are just flipping coins at this point.

7:52 Craig Benson(R) is getting his ass handed to him in his NH Governors Race to the Democrat.

7:36 Bush will win W. Virginia. 0 votes counted with 0% precincts reporting so far. But MSNBC has never been wrong...

7:30 Bush over 1,000,000 popular votes so far...must be nice to be so loved.

This Election Cycle

These are the things we have learned over this last election year.

In this election we have seen Swifties, Bloggers, Haliburton and Rather. We have learned the terms moonbat, MemoGate, what the hell a Wonkette is and why she almost always has something to do with anal sex.

We have seen a group called MoveOn refuse to move on. George Soros has become both a villain and a rock star, which is not bad considering he is both Hungarian and in International Finance. And America has made 527 the second most well know tax code deliniation since the 1040.

Bloggers have speculated, pontificated, and regurgitated just about every kind of information that you can think of. A Generation of Americans have now come to grasp how the hell the Electoral College works. And many are even debating its merits.

We've seen that Bush still doesn't know how to talk. And we've learned that Kerry looks like a dork when he tries to play any sport other than hockey. And we've all learned that Big Daddy Edwards doesn't go on stage on unless his hair is Demo-fabulous.

We've learned that some people have lost their fucking minds, fucking minds, fucking minds, and fucking minds. We've seen the 24 hour news cycle kill and then overkill stories. And we have seen an entire candidacy die with but a single scream.

Hell, somehow Jim Treacher even made it onto the Wall Street Journal.

And in the end, we have seen almost $3.9 Billion dollars spent for people to get out their message. We've been pundits and we've watched and read the pundits. We've watched the debates, we've debated the debates and in the end?

Nobody has any idea how the fuck this thing is going to turn out.

But it's been fun.

My Childhood Beckons

Which do you think I should watch?

30 Minutes of Fox's Pre-Game Production Bonanza, or 'It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown'?

If you don't say "Good Grief", you're dead to me.

Civic Duty Rocks!

Because I am not going to be in my home state on Nov 2nd, I went down to my town hall and got myself an Absentee Ballot. And then I voted!

Voting Rocks. Of course, they won't open my ballot until Super Tuesday. But I still felt pretty good.

My best friend has always said that if you don't vote for anyone, you have no right to bitch about whoever is in office. So I guess you could say that I have just gotten my 4 year extension on smartassing the American Political system.

Be sure to make sure you are registered to vote. I think this year, Americans might just break our own record on voter turnout.

My New British Speaking Pen Pal

BODY:
Since the Guardian sees it fit to compell its readers to Adopt-An-Ohioan, I thought I would write back to England in a letter.

Dear British Speaking Pen Pal-

Thank you so much for taking the time to type me out a letter. Yay! This will be so much fun! Now I have a pen pal in another country. Your envelope says that you are from England. Wow! Are you guys named after New England? I love the Patriots!
I looked on a map and saw that England is an island. That must be great! My neighbor went on vacation to the islands? She loved it. It must be so great to live on a warm sunny island. Do you go to the beach every day? That's what she did. I bet it's great living so close to the warm beach like you do. She told me that people drink Coronas with limes. Do you like to drink Corona too? I bet you do! My dad calls you a bunch of Limeys. I bet that must be where the label comes from. How cool is that? You guys must have come up with putting limes in your beer!

Thank you for taking such an interest in our Election. You used some pretty big words in your letter that I couldn't understand. There is somebody at the University in Columbus that speaks British, so the next time I have to take the hogs to market, I抣l have him translate more of it.

Sincerely,
Your Ohioan Pen Pal Gilly

P.S. I was going to send you some limes as a gift. But then I thought, thats silly, Limes must come from England. That would be a silly gift. My dad told me that you like cricket. So included in the box is about 100 crickets that I caught in my back yard. I hope you like them!

I Want My Money Back

So I was watching the news today and the Japanese parliament had a rumble. This is like the 4th one in the last year. Is anyone else as unimpressed as I am?

Man, when you think of Asians fighting, you think of Kung Fu and Jackie Chan and shit. All you get from these parliament fights is a bunch of shoving (though seeing someone break out a shoe to hit the opposition is pretty fun to watch). I see Taiwan politicians wanting to knuckle down and I am thinking:

The only thing that would make this cooler is a six pack and a side of ribs. But instead of Monday Night Football, all I am getting 9 on 9 flag football from the Bayside Retirement Community.

I want to see hand to hand fights like you see in the Matrix. Like a PM jumps off of his lectern and does a 360 spin kick to the Minority Party leader. It'd be kick ass if he was able to rip the heart out of somebody's chest and show it to him as it stops pumping like in Indian Jones. Now that is what I call filibustering.

South East Asia better step up to the plate and deliver us some action, or America will stop paying attention to that part of the world for good.

Career Change

I have decided upon the perfect job for me:

Transplant Organ Courrier

Think about it. Your job is to fly from place to place with organs in a little red bag. Run through airports. Rack up frequent flier miles. Think about it. You could do that for 2 years and write one wierd ass book.

How does one qualify for a job such as that? And what does their resume look like?

A Real Man's Toothpaste

I got thise new toothpaste called Aquafresh Extreme Clean and I was reading the back and this is what it says:

Keep out of reach of children 6 and under: If you accidentally swallow more that used for brushing, get medical help or contact Poison Control right away.

Sweet! This toothpaste kicks so much ass that it's dangerous to children. Now that is a real man's toothpaste!