Saturday, June 5, 2004

I Want My Money Back

So I was watching the news today and the Japanese parliament had a rumble. This is like the 4th one in the last year. Is anyone else as unimpressed as I am?

Man, when you think of Asians fighting, you think of Kung Fu and Jackie Chan and shit. All you get from these parliament fights is a bunch of shoving (though seeing someone break out a shoe to hit the opposition is pretty fun to watch). I see Taiwan politicians wanting to knuckle down and I am thinking:

The only thing that would make this cooler is a six pack and a side of ribs. But instead of Monday Night Football, all I am getting 9 on 9 flag football from the Bayside Retirement Community.

I want to see hand to hand fights like you see in the Matrix. Like a PM jumps off of his lectern and does a 360 spin kick to the Minority Party leader. It'd be kick ass if he was able to rip the heart out of somebody's chest and show it to him as it stops pumping like in Indian Jones. Now that is what I call filibustering.

South East Asia better step up to the plate and deliver us some action, or America will stop paying attention to that part of the world for good.

Friday, June 4, 2004

Career Change

I have decided upon the perfect job for me:

Transplant Organ Courrier

Think about it. Your job is to fly from place to place with organs in a little red bag. Run through airports. Rack up frequent flier miles. Think about it. You could do that for 2 years and write one wierd ass book.

How does one qualify for a job such as that? And what does their resume look like?

Thursday, June 3, 2004

A Real Man's Toothpaste

I got thise new toothpaste called Aquafresh Extreme Clean and I was reading the back and this is what it says:

Keep out of reach of children 6 and under: If you accidentally swallow more that used for brushing, get medical help or contact Poison Control right away.

Sweet! This toothpaste kicks so much ass that it's dangerous to children. Now that is a real man's toothpaste!

Tuesday, June 1, 2004

Kittens: Hitler's Secret Weapon Against America

It is a little known anecdote in the annals of history that Adolf Hitler has devious plans for America.

While the history of WWII has be written to addendum about the struggle of the Allies against the Axis powers, there are smaller stories that seem to not get much light of day. This is one of them.

After having invaded Poland, Adlof Hitler and his military advisors turned west. And after spending a nice spring weekend conquering Paris, the Nazi regieme had solidified much of Western Europe. Seeing the ease of taking both Poland and France, Germany looked at a move on the UK with further aspirations of conquering America.

Hitler knew the importance of the Greenland, Iceland, UK (known as the GIUK Gap) territories would be vitally important to his advance on America. However, he also knew that if he made such a move, America might feel threatened and officially enter the war. He had to develop a devious plan to subvert the American population and weaken them before the day he would conquer the United States. When asked by his
top advisors how he would do this, Hitler answered but with a single word: kittens.

The idea was to get the American public used to a prissy prim Dona personality. But the indoctrination process had to start earlier than Adolf wanted. His scientists determined that if the plan was to work, Americans must get used to cats at an early age. If preoccupied by furry cuteness, America may just miss all of the Nazi atrocities being committed across Europe and Africa. But how to get the ball rolling?

Though his Foreign Service offices, Hitler contacted Nazi sympathizers in America and ordered them to start a subversive campaign through media and the press. It was subtle, and not until after the War was over can we even see the brilliantly unnoticeable plan.

Remember this poster? Of course you do. It hung in every class room in America for years. Do you honestly believe that this is supposed to be an inspirational mantra to be instilled in our children? Of course not. This poster was put into every class room in America, a gift "from a kindly anonomous benefactor". Teachers were told that it would be helpful to children and give them hope that America will
make it through the war.

But in reality, it was all Nazi propaganda. Here is the original poster developed by Adolf himself:

One of his advisors though it wasn't such a good idea to include the "Meine sklaven"(my slaves) in the poster. That advisor was promptly shot. A second advisor also tried to say that adding the phrase "my slaves" wasn't such a good idea. He was also shot. After not being able to find anymore shotgun shells, Hitler finally acquiesced and dropped the last part.

Kitten calendar sales increased 40% in the years 1940-1945. And American families, missing brothers, sons, and fathers, filled the void by adopting kittens. The Nazi regieme tried to capitalize on this by breeding kittens by the thousands, but Hitler's scientists could never figure how to make white cats with blue eyes. Sadly, batches of kittens were lost in the attempt.

Do you still think this is far fetched? Remember folks, this came from the same man who thought it would be a great idea to attack Russia in the winter time.

In the end, the Allies were victorious. Hitler's vicious plans to soften America with kittens didn't come to fruition. In his bunker, the Allies found war plans, ammunition, rations, a couple of balls of yarn, and a still Classified folder only labeled "Operation: Wiskas."

From what we are told, the CIA discovered the extent to which the Nazi regieme had tried to subvert America. The United States, still flush from the victory in WWII, could not handle to betrayal of knowing their pets were actually part of what was called the "Hitler Youth Pets". To counter this, the Department of Defense produced two popular television shows promoting dogs in the hope that in the future, American fascination with kittens would only be a footnote in history.